The Risk of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is such a "buzz" word these days within the spiritual, enlightened, mindfulness world that I prefer to dwell in.

I like to believe that I allow myself to be vulnerable most of the time. That I am willing to put myself out there for others to see and not be afraid of their reaction to me.

I like to believe that I am an empath

and can intuit other people's feelings without them saying a word.

And I do believe these things.

However, recently I behaved in a way that is not pleasant for me to think about. Rather than admitting my vulnerabilities, I instead chose to use my words to cause shame, all in a gesture to play myself as a victim and blame the other person.

Why did I do this? Why did I cast out such barbs towards someone who I genuinely care about and mean no harm to?

I know why. I felt rejected and wanted their attention. I wanted their love and didn't feel I was getting it.

It was a habit learned long ago that I had forgotten about, that I thought I had left behind. And yet, here I was, feeling vulnerable, and instead of acknowledging this, I played the shame game. And now I feel badly about it and fear it may have cost me my friendship.

Shame is never a good feeling, no matter who you are. But to be the person who caused the shame, that is a tough pill to swallow.